Insights into a Bimbo's Mind

The Fat Soul

The other day, I caught my mom looking at me for a long while. At the end of it, she finally said, “It’s not easy maintaining that body, isn’t it?”

I looked back at her, shrugged my shoulders and said, “Yeah, a piece of bread makes me fat.”

My mom is probably one of the few in my life who really understands how tough it is for me to maintain my current weight. She knows I have a fat soul.

A person with a fat soul is someone who’s destined to be fat. They become happy when they see food, they groan when they have to exercise, sleep is their best past time, they wake up in the morning thinking of what they’d like to eat for lunch or dinner, they order too much food in a food rest, they overfeed their own pets afraid they’ll go hungry, sitting around watching TV is always better than going around busy cleaning the house or doing up the garden, fattening food tastes best… I think it is no doubt that I have a fat soul because I am guilty of all of the above.

Which is why, mom sees me now and understands how difficult it must be for me to stay with my current weight. Over some months, I have lost 13kgs by overhauling my entire system and the way I live my life. Dieting is no more called dieting but is a new way of eating. Starvation is no more called starvation but is what life is all about. Feeling full is no more called satisfaction but is re-labeled as ‘guilt’. Meals are no more looked forward to because I tell myself, trust me, there is nothing exciting coming your way. The toughest part is telling myself and truly believing that THIS is how I’m going to live the rest of my life.

Maintaining this weight is not just about saying, “No, thank you” but to also stop desiring the food that you’ve just refused. Re-program your mind, have a paradigm shift, kill the inner desires, this, I believe is the secret to successful weight loss.

I asked Beng today if I should lose more or if I should just maintain my current weight. One thing I’ve learnt for sure, gay men like Beng, don’t cream their words so I’d be thankful if he just gives me brutal honesty and not be over-critical like he usually is.

Beng said to me, “Actually ah, you look fine now. You can lose a little bit more if you want but not too much because then you’ll look sickly.”

You must wonder why I didn’t post the same question to Narrrling. For someone who asked me to marry him when I was at my fattest, I guess it’s no point asking him if I should lose more weight because he is obviously oblivion to my weight woes.

So Beng says I look fine now. Considering the fact that I’m not single and desperately looking out for a man and neither am I aspiring to be a TV talkshow host nor a beauty pageant contestant, can I live with myself in my current body or should I continue this lifetime quest of mine for that waif thin body? This must be the first time I’m asking myself this because I’ve spent my whole life being obsessed with my weight and food, constantly launching myself into new diets that doesn’t work or new eating or exercise regimes that ends up in disasters.

If I decide to sign this peace treaty with my body, then I will just work to maintain this weight for the rest of my life and give away all those smaller sized clothes that I was hoping to fit into one day when I am ‘slimmer’. Oh, that skimpy green dress that I’ve only worn once in my life and oh, that lil red dress I so want to wear again. Is it time to say goodbye? Is the distant image of that waif thin Miki-C to go a-flying and disappear, like the believe we once had of Santa Claus when we were young? I don’t know.. I really don't know...

posted by Miki-C @ 4:53 PM