Insights into a Bimbo's Mind

Glamorous Scuba Divers

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

You know, Lady Luthien was talking about constantly trying to be someone we are not. Last weekend, I think I too tried very hard to be someone I am not, and that is, to be in the same elite league as the glamorous scuba divers.

Narrrling and I got our scuba diving license last year and since we’re both such ultra lazy people, when other people were diving 5 times a day, capitalizing on the dive boats that went out to the sea every other hour, we only joined them a maximum of 2 times a day. The rest of the time, we spent them lazing on the beach, cracking lame jokes about the other kiasu divers. Then after a couple of examination dives followed by leisure dives, we both went happily home to where we come from and never went diving again until last weekend. You see, the bimbo has her ambitions too and to a certain extent, is a wannabe. So this time, she wanted to be a certified ‘Advanced diver’ and therefore, dragged Narrrling along for the advanced certification dives. Now you have to remember that it’s been more than a year since the bimbo and her Narrrling went for their last dive, which also happened to be the same trip they took their beginner’s cerfitication (a cooler name for it would be the Open Water Certification). So, disaster strikes ofcourse.

My newly appointed dive instructor, a very nice girl who upon the first meeting, didn’t suspect at all what was coming her way, greeted Narrrling and me onto the dive boat with smiles and utmost warmth. I guess she only started suspecting, when after giving us 15 minutes to change and settle down, she asked us to set up our own equipment. So there I was, standing in front of my dive equipments, staring and staring. Trying not to look like a total idiot, I picked up an equipment with my hand and studied it for a while. Then I looked at the oxygen tank and studied it for another while, trying very hard to remember where I join them. I looked at Narrrling, he had a serious look on his face and a no-nonsense, “I know what I’m doing” expression, he was picking up something, fixing it obviously on the wrong spot. Frowns, picks up another piece and tries fixing that piece instead. Oh crap, he is obviously as lost as I am, only difference is that he’s got some kind of manliness to protect. I turned to my instructor and gave her a blank look. Upon realizing that I don’t know jack shit what to do with the equipments, she appointed this hunk to come help me with it. As the Hunk was setting up my equipment, I caught Narrrling’s eyes darting my direction back and forth, quickly taking in what the Hunk was doing to my equipments. After a while, both Hunk and Narrrling got our equipments up.

Splash! Within minutes, we both jumped into the water with the instructor and the rest of the leisure divers. Instructor shouts out a command to us, “Ready? Descend!”… I saw Narrrling and my Instructor slowly sinking beneath the water surface and I did the same.. Just release air from my jacket and I will sink…I release, release, release, release all the air.. uh huh.. release, release, release all the air…Wait a minute I was supposed to sink! Nope… the air of my jacket might have gone out totally but the fats of my body takes charge and kept me afloat… So stubbornly, my fats kept me perked on the surface of the water. From underwater, my instructor seeing that I was not going anywhere, re-surfaced and told me we’ll have to try another method. Great! Another better method, I thought. So she yanked me along with her as she went underwater. Wonderful. My first “ADVANCED” certification, I had to be yanked all the way down underwater. What the hell happened to the graceful and sophisticated sinking underwater in a cool floating Matrix pose?

When I finally reached the bottom, according to physics, the air in my body shrinks, therefore, my floating capability decreases and thus, when my instructor finally let go of me, instead of charging like a bull back to the surface, I stayed where I was. Instead, another problem surfaced. How the hell do you control where you’re going? I looked around at the other leisure divers.. The Hunk looked like a sexy topless merman swimming around to say hello to his new found underwater friends. Narrrling tried his very best to keep cool, the expression on his face was relaxed.. but his eyes were wild and it takes a lifetime partner to be able to spot that... Myself, I was thrashing about trying to stay in one position as I was bouncing up and down, off the sea floor. Upon seeing my underwater ‘grace’, my instructor took out her underwater notepad and scribbled on it, “REMEMBER! Breathing in deep you will ascend, breathing out deep you will descend. Control your breathing!”

After a bit of a struggle and a few more fierce scribbles on her notepad, I finally managed to swim behind my instructor, not letting her out of my sight for dear life. That was how we swam for a while, exploring corals and fishes, and I was slowly beginning to calm down. Just when I started to think I was back in connection with my old diving days, I suddenly realized that I was being taken further and further away from my instructor by one strange underwater force. Was it the current? No, because I wasn’t moving horizontally, I was moving vertically! It’s my fats! Alas! I was floating up to the surface all by myself!! When I realized my fats were trying to take charge again, I tried my best to swim downwards, I kicked and I kicked and I kicked but the image of my instructor got smaller and smaller before my eyes.. The problem was, we were moving towards the shallower end of the water, and the air in my body started expanding, causing me to have better buoyancy, thus the drama of charging back up to the surface. Upon realizing that I was gone from behind her, the instructor did a 360 degrees turn around to find me. Nowhere in sight! I saw her sudden quick moves from the surface of the water, panicking. Then she looked up and there i was, the bimbo floating, back at the surface of the water, looking down sheepishly at her. Sigggghhh… So my instructor had to resurface yet again, and yanked me under once more..

On my 2nd dive, my instructor strapped some major heavy duty weights on my body, to ensure I sink! So this time, with minimal yanking, I got down to the bottom. Just like the first time, I followed my instructor around closely with dear life and my instructor, having learned a lesson from the previous dive, turned around and checked on me every few seconds to make sure that I was still there. At one point, we spotted a turtle and I don’t know what it is with divers but seeing a turtle seems to be a major underwater novelty. All the divers crowded around the turtle, under their masks and bubbles, ooh-ing and aah-ing at it. And me, I was just struggling to maintain my position, when suddenly I felt it again. I was floating upwards AGAIN!! This time, I realized a little earlier and started swimming downwards as hard as I can. I used my hands and my legs and swam and swam as hard as I can, reaching for the bottom. It was then that the Hunk took his attention away from the turtle and looked up. And above him, he sees this silly girl in a scuba diving suit, frantically moving her arms and legs back and forth, back and forth, in her attempt to swim downwards, while miserably floating higher and higher up. The Hunk then reached out, caught hold of one of my hands, and with a sweep of strength, pulled me all the way down to the bottom effortlessly. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of being in the moment of utmost desperation and someone comes along and effortlessly puts you in the right path again? And not forgetting it’s a hunk? I guess the feeling would have been rather heavenly if I wasn’t caught in such a compromised position but yet, from inside to outside, I was ever so grateful to him for saving me from the embarrassment that follows if I was spotted yet once again at the surface of the water in the middle of a dive. And the feeling inside me when I felt the strength of his hands pulling me down to safety, it was sensational. It was like getting a life buoy when you are drowning, or being caught in a pair of strong arms when you are falling. The Hunk quietly rescues me and we both continued to ooh and aah at the turtle for the next few minutes. When we got out of the dive, we did not mention a word of it.

So over the next day, the dives continued, and I continued with my silly ways. Once I said to my instructor, “I think I have problems neutralizing”… My instructor gave me a puzzled look for a while and then suddenly upon realizing, she went, “OH, you mean EQUALIZING?”…

On the last dive before we went home, came my last drama. At the end of the dive, all of us took our turns to climb onto a small boat that resembles a ‘sampan’ with a motor. This small boat will then take us back to the bigger boat, where we’ve been living and eating for the last few days. How we do it, is that we’ll have to unload our scuba diving equipments onto the boat, then fin-kick ourselves up high enough to climb over the side of the sampan. I’ve always had problems doing this because I guess my legs are just weak and I can never kick myself up high enough. So this last time, I thought to myself, “Hunk is sitting on the sampan, staring down at me. I must do it this time. MUST DO IT! My last chance to prove i can do something!” Everyone who’s already on the boat counted for me, “ONE, TWO, THREE, KICK!!” So I kicked as hard as I can and pushed myself up with my hands on the side of the boat. Suddenly, I felt something ease off one of my feet. Shitttt! I kicked so hard, I kicked off one of my fins! So there goes my expensive fin from Europe, slowly sinking down to the bottom of the sea. My cheerleading crowd on the sampan, upon seeing that I’ve suddenly stopped kicking, asked me, “What’s wrong?”…

I looked at them and said, “I kicked off my fin..”…

Upon hearing this, the Hunk grabbed his diving mask, pulled it over his face and very heroically, Splash! Dove into the sea after my fin! I held on to the side of the boat and looked over the water at where he dove in and feeling yet again, that sensational feeling. The hunk re-surfaced with my fin in his hands. When he swam merman style over to me and and handed me my fin, he asked me, “Do you need help getting into the boat now that you’re one fin short?”…

I said sheepishly, “I think so..”

“Ok. Then don’t mind me if I push you up, ok?”

Understanding what he meant, I said in a small voice, “No, ofcourse not.”

So once again, my cheerleading crowd on the sampan shouts, “ONE, TWO, THREE!”.

I kicked myself up with one leg and one fin as hard as I can, and behind me, both hands on my butt, I felt a strong upward shove…. Sigh..

So this is the story of my chase for glory to be an ADVANCED scuba diver. Very, very glamorous indeed…

posted by Miki-C @ 1:35 PM