Insights into a Bimbo's Mind

The Social Life

When I was younger, I aspired to be someone in the line of PR because I imagined myself to be very sociable, friendly, bubbly, smart, and constantly having to entertain some big shots who would talk to no one else but me. Reading Sidney Sheldon’s books from a very young age with his heroines who are always beautiful, sociable and smart has done it to me.… I had this cool notion of myself, up till I really started working and these supposedly ‘friendly’ qualities were to shine through.

Well, I guess I could be friendly and bubbly and all when the situation requires of me but one thing I realized was that it was so faked. So, so faked.

Recently, my boss has thrown me into some new projects that required me to participate actively in some weekly night telecons with some Americans, Brits and Dutchies, with me being not just the only Asian, but the only female. When my manager in the US told me I was going to take on that role, I felt sick….Ugggh… The first thing that came to my head was, “Shit, how I hate having to pretend that I was so darn interested in the weather in UK or Holland or the on-coming hurricanes, elections, war riots or whatever in the US.” Basically, having to move out of my comfort zone of hiding and communicating via emails. I hated it.

I know people who genuinely love chatting up colleagues and am genuinely interested in their family life; the outcome of the colleague’s newly renovated home, the colleague’s children or growing up puppies…. They remember to follow up on it in the next phone call, they suggest to show them around the next time they’re in town… I mean, yeah, I know the dance… I know what needs to be said, when and how, to make a person feel good or welcomed…. Unfortunately, I’m just too lazy to do it. Narrrling always say he’s glad I’m so lazy, if not, I would have turned into a real manipulative bitch.

I do sometimes note a little hesitance from the voice of my colleagues because I’d jump into business so quickly upon picking up the phone, the female colleagues especially. They’d probably expected me to at least ask them about their holidays since they just came back or ask about their baby since they just came back from maternity leave. Sometimes I make an effort to be sociable, but most of the time, I just don’t bother. If they turned around and invited me to their baby’s full moon party, I’d regret asking for sure.

Nowadays, Narrrling travels very often. The only times I spend with him are the weekends or the one or two precious weekday nights he has to spare for me. I’ve heard friends condemn the fact that I’m stuck to my husband from the hip. Little do they know that out of a week of 7 days, I might only get to see my husband for less than 2 days and half of them is spent sleeping. So you can’t blame me for planning my schedule around those few precious days.

But the surprising thing is, the rest of the days when I am alone; I actually don’t feel bad at all. I go around doing things on my own. It feels good being able to do whatever I want, anytime I want. In other words, I think I’ve grown more comfortable in my own skin. It feels great not needing to rely on anyone else but yourself for happiness and peace and acceptance.

When I detect politics among friends or a particular friend, no matter how good the friend(s), I shy away very quickly because I hate being entangled in webs of who should have or shouldn’t have done or said what. I’m not into stuffs like confrontations nor self-justifications nor saying things I don’t believe in anymore just to make anyone feel better. We do our best to meet expectations of others and if we can’t, it’s just too bad. There will always be social decay in our lives and people come and go in our lives as we move on. We just have to accept it. Other people’s lives still goes on without me trying to justify myself and so does mine so why the hassle?

Probably some might think that I need to be taught a lesson. I need to be thrown into a situation where I’m desperate for friends and I’ll have bloody nobody to talk to when that happens. The perfect situation is if I somehow lose Narrrling, and is in dire needs to talk to someone about it! That will teach this Miki-C, alright. Well, whatever it is, I hope the friend imagining for that to happen is not you because honestly, it says something about you too..

But anyway, I think I’ve learnt to loosen my grip on a lot of things in life. I already know that I don’t want to be a career woman barking orders at the top of the ladder, I also know I can’t be a Mother Theresa giving out unconditionally to society, and most importantly, I don’t want to be anyone’s hero, sung or unsung… In my little shell, I just want to be the selfish bimbo that I am, not committed nor obligated to anyone else’s life but my own.

posted by Miki-C @ 3:13 PM