Insights into a Bimbo's Mind

Where is Home?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Some people love changes in life and see change as a challenge and means to make life more exciting and colorful. Unfortunately, that’s not me. I hate changes. In other words, I’m a scaredy cat and with all my might, I resist change. All my life, I nestled safely in the comforts of my home, under the roof of mommy and daddy. I never studied too far away from home, I never stayed away from home too long. I knew, that whatever I did wrong, whatever mistakes I made outside, there was always a home where mommy and daddy will make things right and a room decorated so pretty in pink, it will never fail to welcome me back into its heart everytime. My pink room was where I grew up, my sanctuary, where every corner, curve and scribble on the wall, marked a time in my life.

And Mommy and Daddy, just like the pink room, seem to have been enslaved to my life from the time I was born. Send Miki to ballet class. Miki wants to learn violin now. Buy Miki a new violin. Miki needs to drive to school. Daddy, you drive the old car. Give Miki your car. Iron Miki’s clothes. Re-new Miki’s road-tax and insurance. Miki’s on diet, cook her diet food for dinner. We all eat diet food with her for the next 2 months. Miki’s car is dirty. Send it to wash. Buy Miki a new car. My mother is a nurse and she’s worked at the same stingy medical institution for the past 40 years. She does not earn too much and yet, when Miki wants a new car, she gets one.

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m getting at. I just know that last week, I’ve never cried so much in my life. I turned up at work almost every day with thick, swollen eyes. I was longing for something I could never have again. I was longing for the comforts of my home with mommy and daddy in it. And i know, this combination will never ever be mine again.

Time has come for me to take the biggest step in my life. Moving out. This might sound unfair to Narrrling but recently, I’ve been getting more often than ever, this nudge at the back of my mind that says, “I wish I didn’t go and get myself married!! Life at status quo was so perfect!! Why did I have to go and change it?”… I know most brides can’t wait to be rid of their old boats to step onto the brand new yacht. Narrrling has thrown everything out of his guest room and turned it into a walk-in closet for me, carpeted, with mirrors on every wall, just the way I like it but yet somehow, I prefer my old mess in the pink room. I prefer getting yelled at occasionally by mommy for it being in such a mess. I prefer coming back one day with a cardboard left by daddy in the middle of my wardrobe mess on the floor that has the huge red prints, “PIG STY or RUBBISH DUMP?”…. For every item I threw last week, I shed a tear. For every item I packed into my bag, I cried because to me, that was where they all belong. That was their home.

Yet life goes on and I understand that this is only a natural progression in life. I know it’s silly to cry so much over this but yet for someone like me, it’s like taking away a part of me, pulling away by force, an arm and a leg. The night before I was to move out, my dad said, “Only bring the things you need. Don’t have to move everything.”…It was like I was just going for a business trip. On the night I drove away with all my belongings, I tried my best not to cry but when I stole a glimpse at mom, I knew she was trying very hard to do the same. The moment I drove out of the house, I cried all the way from Subang Jaya to Damansara Heights. Narrrling greeted me with open arms at the door. Seeing me cry, he said, “You are not a little girl anymore. You are going to start a new life with me.. Everything will be ok..”

I guess that was the point I realized that there’s really no more turning back. Daddy, I guess I’ll really have to move everything this time. But I promise I’ll be happy. And promise me you'll both be happy too.

posted by Miki-C @ 1:32 PM