Insights into a Bimbo's Mind

I Must Die First!

Last night, Narrrling discovered one of the worst fears of my life...To grow old alone and having all my loved ones die before me. Although I think maybe this is everyone's fear as well, but for me, merely talking about it draws me to tears followed by uncontrollable sobs. Or maybe it's just something pregnant women do. They get emotional and cry over everything. I thought about it this morning again while driving to work and cried until I managed to force some happier thoughts into my mind, like plotting on how I should address my boss's weaknesses during my mid year appraisal.

I felt really ill most of yesterday, had to skip a much anticipated dinner date (sorry gals!) and stayed in bed most of the night. Narrrling was keeping me company as usual, lying next to me, talking about anything that comes to mind. It all started with the story of Badawi getting married again, then we went into the usual banter of who will get a bf/gf faster after one of us die. At some point, our conversation got to a very morbid nature and that's when he started saying in a more serious tone, "You know, usually men die earlier. Since I'm 7 years older than you, you have to get ready ok, to be strong when i die."

I went into my normal mode of, "NO, i will die when I'm 65. That is fixed. I already said I WILL DIE FIRST!"

Narrrling continued in his serious tone, "You're not going to die when you're 65, darling. The odds are that I'm going to go first. I'll be there waiting for you at the other end, ok?"

"NO! I will die first! YOU CANNOT DIE!! I must die first!"

But as i said it, my imagination went hyperactive, imagining about life alone after Narrrling, how my kid will desert me and find me a burden, how I will be doing fox trots alone in an old nursing home with an imaginary Narrrling partner, or how I'll be living off other people's charity because I didn't save enough money in my bank for my old days... Before i knew it, I started crying because i knew that whether I wanted to admit it or not, it has been statistically proven that most women outlive their partners. My own grandmothers are the best examples.Probably your grandmothers too.

I got really depressed thinking about it to a point that I was sobbing and making whimpering crying sounds. Upon seeing that, Narrrling panicked and started going, "Hey! Hey! What's wrong?!"

All I could manage to say between sobs was that, "I'm going to die first! I said I'm going to die first means I'm going to die FIRST!"

"OK! OK! I don't die first, we die together ok?? By then euthanasia will be legal, and we both die together ok?"

"WHAT IF IT'S STILL ILLEGAL?!!"....

"Then when no one is seeing, you quickly push me off the hospital top floor. Then you also jump. You cannot bluff me by wearing a parachute ok?"

Then Narrrling quickly changed the topic and asked me if I'm hungry. He got me out of bed still in tears and marched me to the kitchen to look for food. In the kitchen, he went through the refrigerator while i checked out the food cupboard. He handed me a bar of chocolates and said, "Eat this, chocolates make you happy."

I ate the chocolate and went back to bed..

Somehow, discussing this topic is almost traumatic to me. Even writing this story was difficult because I was trying very hard to hold back tears. Didn't want my colleagues to think that I'm crying over work. Or is this a pregnant woman thing that I'm over emotional about silly stuffs?

Honestly, what is the point of living if everyone and everything you care about is gone from your life? I wouldn't be happy if a fortune teller tells me I'll live to a hundred because to me, what matters is actually how long will the people around me live? I will gladly have a shorter life if it means that I never get left alone. I'm scared of being alone. So next time, no matter what, I must die first, ok?

posted by Miki-C @ 5:09 PM