The Fat Soul
The other day, I caught my mom looking at me for a long while. At the end of it, she finally said,
“It’s not easy maintaining that body, isn’t it?” I looked back at her, shrugged my shoulders and said,
“Yeah, a piece of bread makes me fat.” My mom is probably one of the few in my life who really understands how tough it is for me to maintain my current weight. She knows I have a fat soul.
A person with a fat soul is someone who’s destined to be fat. They become happy when they see food, they groan when they have to exercise, sleep is their best past time, they wake up in the morning thinking of what they’d like to eat for lunch or dinner, they order too much food in a food rest, they overfeed their own pets afraid they’ll go hungry, sitting around watching TV is always better than going around busy cleaning the house or doing up the garden, fattening food tastes best… I think it is no doubt that I have a fat soul because I am guilty of all of the above.
Which is why, mom sees me now and understands how difficult it must be for me to stay with my current weight. Over some months, I have lost 13kgs by overhauling my entire system and the way I live my life. Dieting is no more called dieting but is a new way of eating. Starvation is no more called starvation but is what life is all about. Feeling full is no more called satisfaction but is re-labeled as ‘guilt’. Meals are no more looked forward to because I tell myself, trust me, there is nothing exciting coming your way. The toughest part is telling myself and truly believing that THIS is how I’m going to live the rest of my life.
Maintaining this weight is not just about saying,
“No, thank you” but to also stop desiring the food that you’ve just refused. Re-program your mind, have a paradigm shift, kill the inner desires, this, I believe is the secret to successful weight loss.
I asked Beng today if I should lose more or if I should just maintain my current weight. One thing I’ve learnt for sure, gay men like Beng, don’t cream their words so I’d be thankful if he just gives me brutal honesty and not be over-critical like he usually is.
Beng said to me,
“Actually ah, you look fine now. You can lose a little bit more if you want but not too much because then you’ll look sickly.” You must wonder why I didn’t post the same question to Narrrling. For someone who asked me to marry him when I was at my fattest, I guess it’s no point asking him if I should lose more weight because he is obviously oblivion to my weight woes.
So Beng says I look fine now. Considering the fact that I’m not single and desperately looking out for a man and neither am I aspiring to be a TV talkshow host nor a beauty pageant contestant, can I live with myself in my current body or should I continue this lifetime quest of mine for that waif thin body? This must be the first time I’m asking myself this because I’ve spent my whole life being obsessed with my weight and food, constantly launching myself into new diets that doesn’t work or new eating or exercise regimes that ends up in disasters.
If I decide to sign this peace treaty with my body, then I will just work to maintain this weight for the rest of my life and give away all those smaller sized clothes that I was hoping to fit into one day when I am
‘slimmer’. Oh, that skimpy green dress that I’ve only worn once in my life and oh, that lil red dress I so want to wear again. Is it time to say goodbye? Is the distant image of that waif thin Miki-C to go a-flying and disappear, like the believe we once had of Santa Claus when we were young? I don’t know.. I really don't know...
Of Toothpastes & Politics
What is it about Bush’s obsession with toothpastes??
In a press conference about antiballistic missiles held in the aftermath of the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation Summit in Shanghai, Bush told the press, that himself and President Putin of Russia (some big time macho ex KGB chief) likes the same toothpaste!
Then in another press conference in the White House, when asked what he has in common with Tony Blair, Bush says they share the same Colgate toothpaste!
Later in yet another one-to-one interview with BBC’s Steven Sackur, with a tongue in the cheek, Steven asked Bush how he knew Tony Blair and he was using the same toothpaste? Bush says,
“I didn’t know! I was trying to find out!” You know, I was never a fan of Bush but he sure does crack me up sometimes... With more jokes like that about toothpastes in serious antiballistic missiles conferences, the Americans might just love him enough to re-elect their darling into his 3rd term of office if that was possible. But thank God for some intimidating constitutions in the US that disallows a president to serve office for more than 8 years, Bush's 3rd term is no more possible.
But little do we know is that in January last year, a new legislation called the
“Doomsday legislation” was passed very quietly in the Congress to allow elected legislators to change laws or constitutions in the event of serious natural disasters, attack from another country..etc, basically doomsday situations… So who knows, our toothpaste friend might find just enough crack to slip through to the 3rd term… It is not easy, but it’s possible…. For the love of toothpastes, good luck, President Bush.
The Social Life
When I was younger, I aspired to be someone in the line of PR because I imagined myself to be very sociable, friendly, bubbly, smart, and constantly having to entertain some big shots who would talk to no one else but me. Reading Sidney Sheldon’s books from a very young age with his heroines who are always beautiful, sociable and smart has done it to me.… I had this cool notion of myself, up till I really started working and these supposedly ‘friendly’ qualities were to shine through.
Well, I guess I could be friendly and bubbly and all when the situation requires of me but one thing I realized was that it was so faked. So, so faked.
Recently, my boss has thrown me into some new projects that required me to participate actively in some weekly night telecons with some Americans, Brits and Dutchies, with me being not just the only Asian, but the only female. When my manager in the US told me I was going to take on that role, I felt sick….Ugggh… The first thing that came to my head was,
“Shit, how I hate having to pretend that I was so darn interested in the weather in UK or Holland or the on-coming hurricanes, elections, war riots or whatever in the US.” Basically, having to move out of my comfort zone of hiding and communicating via emails. I hated it.
I know people who genuinely love chatting up colleagues and am genuinely interested in their family life; the outcome of the colleague’s newly renovated home, the colleague’s children or growing up puppies…. They remember to follow up on it in the next phone call, they suggest to show them around the next time they’re in town… I mean, yeah, I know the dance… I know what needs to be said, when and how, to make a person feel good or welcomed…. Unfortunately, I’m just too lazy to do it. Narrrling always say he’s glad I’m so lazy, if not, I would have turned into a real manipulative bitch.
I do sometimes note a little hesitance from the voice of my colleagues because I’d jump into business so quickly upon picking up the phone, the female colleagues especially. They’d probably expected me to at least ask them about their holidays since they just came back or ask about their baby since they just came back from maternity leave. Sometimes I make an effort to be sociable, but most of the time, I just don’t bother. If they turned around and invited me to their baby’s full moon party, I’d regret asking for sure.
Nowadays, Narrrling travels very often. The only times I spend with him are the weekends or the one or two precious weekday nights he has to spare for me. I’ve heard friends condemn the fact that I’m stuck to my husband from the hip. Little do they know that out of a week of 7 days, I might only get to see my husband for less than 2 days and half of them is spent sleeping. So you can’t blame me for planning my schedule around those few precious days.
But the surprising thing is, the rest of the days when I am alone; I actually don’t feel bad at all. I go around doing things on my own. It feels good being able to do whatever I want, anytime I want. In other words, I think I’ve grown more comfortable in my own skin. It feels great not needing to rely on anyone else but yourself for happiness and peace and acceptance.
When I detect politics among friends or a particular friend, no matter how good the friend(s), I shy away very quickly because I hate being entangled in webs of who should have or shouldn’t have done or said what. I’m not into stuffs like confrontations nor self-justifications nor saying things I don’t believe in anymore just to make anyone feel better. We do our best to meet expectations of others and if we can’t, it’s just too bad. There will always be social decay in our lives and people come and go in our lives as we move on. We just have to accept it. Other people’s lives still goes on without me trying to justify myself and so does mine so why the hassle?
Probably some might think that I need to be taught a lesson. I need to be thrown into a situation where I’m desperate for friends and I’ll have bloody nobody to talk to when that happens. The perfect situation is if I somehow lose Narrrling, and is in dire needs to talk to someone about it! That will teach this Miki-C, alright. Well, whatever it is, I hope the friend imagining for that to happen is not you because honestly, it says something about you too..
But anyway, I think I’ve learnt to loosen my grip on a lot of things in life. I already know that I don’t want to be a career woman barking orders at the top of the ladder, I also know I can’t be a Mother Theresa giving out unconditionally to society, and most importantly, I don’t want to be anyone’s hero, sung or unsung… In my little shell, I just want to be the selfish bimbo that I am, not committed nor obligated to anyone else’s life but my own.
